I don’t know if any of y’all do the Facebook thing, but I do. I know a lot of people think it’s a waste of time, and it may be, but boy do I enjoy it. I love readin’ what all my friends are up to and I enjoy puttin’ little bits of junk on there. Well, for this week’s junk, I’m goin’ to let y’all that are not into the Facebook thing see some of the stuff that I put on there. This is not a story; it’s just little snippets that have happened that I have shared over the past few years. I hope you enjoy them.

 

I got a questionnaire from my financial advisor today that asked the question, "What keeps you up at night; worries about retirement, education planning, life events, eldercare, estate planning, financial basics?" I answered, "Enlarged prostate."

 

Janet was lookin' out of the kitchen window at the dark clouds. "I sure hope the electricity doesn't go off," she said. 

"Me either," I said. "We'll have to watch TV in the dark."

She turned and looked at me and said, "You're an idiot." 

 

This mornin' Janet was gettin' ready to leave me for a couple of days to go see her mother. When she kissed me goodbye she said, "Don't get too lonely."

I replied, "Don't worry; my girlfriend's comin' over later."

She looked at me and raised her eyebrows and said, "Yeah?  Well, get her to vacuum, will you?"

 

Today is Janet's birthday. I decided to surprise her when she got home from work. I stripped down and wrapped myself up in cellophane wrap. I was standing in the kitchen when she walked in. When she saw me, she looked me up and down and then said, "What, leftovers again?"

 

I made a tick repellent from a recipe I found on the Internet. I don't know if it works with ticks or not, but I put some on and three moles and a nipple jumped off. 

 

I was talking to a young tattooed lady at the NRA show and I noticed she had one of those earring stud things in side of her nose. 

"So," I smiled, "what's that on your nose, a black pearl?"

Her hand shot up and covered it. "It's a mole," she said and she turned and walked off.

Lookin' back, I guess the hair stickin' out of it should have given me a clue. 

 

I walked into the den and said, "Man, it's pretty outside. I think I'll go put on my thongs."

Janet looked up and said, "Please Lord, let him be talking about flip flops."

 

Our waitress asked Janet if she would like an after dinner drink.  

Janet said, "No thank you."

"What about you Sir?" she asked me.

Janet answered and said, "Yes, get him an Ensure; shaken not stirred."

 

Whoa! I didn't realize it had turned off cold. I went out to the barn in a T-shirt and when I came back; my nipples beat me to the house by 5 minutes. 

 

I was fixin' to tear into my baked potato when I told Janet, "You know, I sure wish I had some bacon bits."

She looked at me and replied, "Why don't you just floss your teeth."  

 

Janet made me a hot steak sandwich, one of my favorite meals. It tasted just like Mom's. Either she loves me or she's tryin' to kill me. Who cares! I got a hot steak sandwich!

 

We were gettin' ready for Church this morning and I couldn't find my hearin' aid. 

"Have you seen my hearin' aid?" I asked Janet.

She looked at me and replied, "It's in your ear."

"You want a beer?" I questioned. 

"It's in your ear, your idiot!" She yelled and then added, "And it needs a new battery!"

 

After climbin' out of the shower this morning, I noticed I was out of vitamins. About that time Janet walked in. "Are you goin' to the store today?" I asked. 

"I can," she replied.

"Good," I said. "Do you know what I need?"

She looked at my chest and then back at me and said, "A bra?"  

 

I was in the backyard mindin' my own business when Janet walked out on the deck, put her forearms on the railing, and looked down at me. 

"Just what do you think you're doing?" she asked. 

"I'm peein' on a fire ant bed." I answered.  "What does it look like I'm doin'?"

"Why?" she asked. 

"Why not?" I replied. 

She sighed and mumbled, "There's just has to be more to life than this."

 

I was with Janet at the store a little while ago and she ran into one of her new coworkers. I stuck out my hand, smiled and said, "Hi, I'm Rusty; Janet's trophy husband.” 

Janet looked at me with one of those half closed eyelid looks, and then turned back to the woman and said to her, "I guess it's obvious I didn't take first place.”

 

Well, that’s it.  Now get on Facebook and “Friend me.”  I want to read your junk, too. 

 

All Rights reserved 6/23/13