Here are some more snippets from my Facebook page. I hope you enjoy.

You know, 80 pound sacks of Quikrete sure weigh a lot more than they did 5 years ago.

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“We got any clothes pins?!” I hollered from the kitchen. 

“No!” Janet yelled back.  

“How am I supposed to close up the Cheetos?”

“Use your imagination!” She yelled. 

I was thinkin’ and then Janet ran into the kitchen, grabbed the bag out of my hand, and said, “On second thought.” 

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I walked into the den and Janet was watchin’ TV.  

“Whatcha watchin’?” I asked. 

“Aliens,” she replied. I stood there and watched for a minute. 

“They in a spaceship?”

“Yes.”

“Aren’t they in outer space?”

She sighed. “Yes.”

“Then why ain’t they floatin’ around?” I asked.  She didn’t say anything.  She just stared at the screen. 

“What’s that guy doin’?”

“Looking for a cat,” she growled.  

“Why do they have a cat on a spaceship?”

Janet looked up at me with cold dead eyes. “Don’t you have anything to do?”

“No. Not really.”

“Find something.” 

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Just threw a cigar butt out in the yard. A Jaybird flew down, picked it up, flew up into the tree, and started puffin’ on it. Then he grabbed the butt from his mouth with one foot, tapped the ash off, and started blowin’ little tiny smoke rings.  

Birds are such amazin’ creatures. 

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Janet and I were just now eatin’ out and there was some kid in the place throwin’ a hissy fit. Janet looked at me and said in a low voice, “Sounds like someone needs a spankin.”

I smiled, raised my hand, and said, “Me! Me!” 

She gave me “the look” and said…….Aww heck.  Y’all know what she said. 

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“What are you watching?” Janet asked loudly from the kitchen.

“Huh?” I answered. Now, I may not have heard her question, but I sure heard her sigh. I also heard her footsteps and she clomped across the kitchen floor toward the den. 

“I asked what you are watching,” she said in a perturbed tone.

“Oh! Clark Gable,” I replied.

“Well, turn it down some,” she said.  “I don’t want the neighbors complaining again,” she added sarcastically. She then turned and started back into the kitchen, stopped with her back still to me, and looked up.  

“Clark Gable?” she said and then turned back around and looked at the TV. She was quiet for a minute (which is never a good thing) and turned and looked at me. 

“That’s not Clark Gable, you idiot.  That’s Larry the Cable Guy.”

“Tomato….. potato. Close enough,” I said and then I grinned at her. I swear you could see little wisps of steam floatin’ out her ears. She just stared at me.  

“By the way,” I said.  “What’s for supper?”

She then got this little evil smile on her face. “I haven’t made up my mind yet,” she said. “But, if it tastes like rat poison, it’s just a coincidence.” She turned, walked into the kitchen, and I heard this little, “Bruhahahahah!”

I’m thinkin’ I might just fix me a bowl of cereal or somethin’. 

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I was sittin’ on the deck this mornin’ havin’ a cup of Joe when Janet walked out. 

“Mornin’!” I said. 

“Good morning to you, too.” she replied. “What are doing?”

“Listenin’ to the birds talk to each other.”

“Really. What are the saying?” she asked sarcastically.

“Well,” I said. “One is sayin’, ‘Whatcha wearin’?  Whatcha wearin’?’ And the other one is answerin’, ‘T-shirt, t-shirt!’”

She just looked at me. “Idiot.” 

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We were sittin’ in the den when Janet’s phone rang. She picked it up, looked at it, and curled up her lip. 

“It says Bulgaria,” she said. 

“Oh, that’s probably my old girlfriend,” I informed her. “She’s been looking for me for years.” Janet looked over the top of her glasses at me, but didn’t say anything.  

“We were really in love,” I continued. “Met her at the Miss Universe pageant. She was Miss Bulgaria. She was on stage doin’ her routine during’ the talent part. She had her hand under her armpit makin’ pootin’ sounds to the tune of ‘Catch a Fallin’ Star and Put it in Your Pocket’ when our eyes met. It was Electric. I really felt badly because it caused her to miss a poot and she lost the pageant.”  anet continued to stare.

I put the back of my hand to my forehead. “But alas, it was not to be. She wouldn’t leave her little hometown, Boogersgaria, so we parted ways. To this day, whenever I hear a poot, I get a tear in my eye.”

Janet was still starin’. Finally she spoke.  

“That’s the biggest bunch of Bulgaria I’ve ever heard.” 

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“Hey!” I said to Janet a little while ago at the supper table. “Watch this!” 

“Watch what,” she sighed. 

“I’m gonna take this here hot wing, put the whole thing in my mouth, strip the meat off and spit out the bone.”

“And, why?”

“Uh, I don’t know. Why not?”

Janet just stared at me.  

“Well,” I said. “Here goes.” I shoved the wing in my mouth and started gnawin’. I wallered it around in there workin’ all of the meat I could off. I looked up at Janet. She was still starin’. I grinned at her and the end on the bone popped out between my lips. Janet snorted. Then I snorted. Then I started coughin’. Red hot sauce shot out one nostril. Then I went into a fit. The bone shot out of my mouth. Janet had her head down and was beatin’ the table with her hand.  

I finally caught my breath. “What are you tryin’ to do, kill me?!

She looked up, grabbed a napkin and started wipin’ her eyes. “You…..you looked like a cave man,” she stammered and then snorted again.  

I swear. I’m thinkin’ about trading’ her in. 

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I walked into the kitchen and an odor hit me.  

“Hey!” I yelled to Janet, who was back in the bedroom. “Somethin’ in here smells ripe!” I heard Janet sigh and start walkin’ my way. When she walked into the kitchen her nose punched up. 

“Ooo! You’re right,” she said.  

I raised my arm, turned my head, and sniffed. “You think it’s me?” 

She closed her eyes halfway, tilted her head and looked at me. “It smells ripe,” she growled. “Not rotten.”

 

Well, that’s all. Let’s be Facebook friends. We’ll have a blast.